Falsehoods and Flashbulbs

This is the most horrible thing that has happened to my heart in over two years. I can't be falling in love with him. I can't be putting myself through this yet again. I know what happens when a person falls in love: trembling moments of utter joy, decimated by harsh reality.

He won't love me back. He might not even realize I love him. We will float side by side for a predetermined amount of time and then we will never speak again.

That's how the world works. No one stays. No one means forever when they say it. It's all just words and motions and pretty lies on pretty lips in pretty moments. None of it can last for any longer than the instant it happens.

My stomach flutters. The bottom of my heart drops out. I think about him at the most inconvenient times. If it were just a crush, it'd pass. It would have when he went back to her yet again. I am logical and reasonable to a fault. I can talk my way out of any decision, any feeling, any rationale. I compartmentalize better than any one I know. I can exist as a perfect entity, empty of any emotion or bias.

But I can't make myself ignore his phone calls, texts, facebook chats. I can't turn down his offers to hang out. We sit too close together on the couch and steal each other's food. He teaches me football. I teach him parents of high school girls. When he's drunk beyond all belief, and I know he won't remember it in the morning, I let him curl up in my lap and sleep. I warm my hands on the back of his neck, and rest my head on his shoulder. I pretend.

I can't believe I'm letting myself do this. I would that I were a stronger person, to ignore the raging hormones and fluttering and fireworks when we hug. I should be able to stop this.

I can't fall in love with him.