Start Me Up

I talked about going back to Flagler in my last post. Well, I'm here. I'm doing much better than I did the last time - all B's and C's this past semester. Not as well as I had wanted, but better than I had been doing.

I'm back in the same place that I was last year. That I am all the time. It's pathetic really. She wasn't even in a relationship when I met her. I started crushing, hard.

And once again, the someone I wanted wanted a different someone. I'm just tired of being the only one who's alone. All the time. Even the guy who said he wanted me didn't really. I was a momentary convenience to make another girl jealous. I just want to feel desired, worthy.

Even my writing has lost its flair, its pizazz. Maybe that's me now. I am flairless-empty-unlovable-unwanted-undesired-tabula rasa.

Hide From The World

I'm thinking about going back to Flagler.

On one hand, it is a terrible idea. I didn't do well there the first time around, and I hated what I was doing.

On the other hand, it's a chance to prove to myself that I can succeed at whatever I put my mind too. I love history, have loved history for years and years, letting one teacher scare me away from my favorite subject. Flagler has a history major. It also has a Liberal Arts major, in case I can't decide at all.

I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about St Augustine. It's like being so in love with something, it makes you nauseous just to think about, that's how excited you are. I want to be there, to live there, to stop convincing myself why it was a good idea to leave.

I know the people won't be the same. I'm a whole semester behind all of my friends just from this year alone, not to mention all the credits that won't transfer back over because of my grades. But I can't let a college beat me. I want to be able to tell people about the school I love so much.

I miss having friends. I miss being able to walk around at night. I miss the White Lion, the Bridge of Lions, the winter lights. I miss the theater department, and how cold all the dorms are.

I want to go back, but I don't know if anyone will approve.